“All too soon it was time to leave. I asked for more time alone with my child, and held them while I sobbed. I kept repeating how sorry I was, that I had picked out the perfect parents and I would always be here. As I cried, I kept thinking “How do I do this? How do I leave my baby? I can’t.” At the same time, I thought about the adoptive parents standing in the lobby. I thought about how much they already loved this baby, how excited the older sibling was, and how much they had gone through to get to this point. I was stuck and just wanted time to stop. I was this baby’s mother but I didn’t feel like it. I felt like parenting would take the baby away from a family who already loved the baby dearly. I would be taking an amazing life of financial security and travel away, and a huge extended family that seemed healthier than my own. I told myself that I was being selfish, the baby deserved more than I could give, and I called the adoptive parents into the room.
I left a part of my soul in that hospital room that day, and because of that I’ll never be whole again. The adoption agency achieved their goal of “creating a perfect family” without any thought to the one they were destroying.”